Flight of Ideas

My minds power to feel pain when none is present cause violent emotions in my physical self Exhausted my own brain cringes at the thought of having nother thought

Rejoicing in solitary thinking which is silent talking causes hallucinations Silent thinking is a defense mechanisim for Pressure of speech Pressure of speech is when a Bipolar in a manic episode is unable to control their speech and experiences constant talking In severe cases can be mistaken for gibberish

Anything in my mind trys to be unknown even to those who can understand them We live in thoughts not breaths The life given to us by our own body chemistry Understanding comes difficult when we do not know what or where they come from deep seeded memories of episodes past when we know that the past is always the future present

We use the power of our minds conceiving ideas and expanding on these thoughts until we have flight of ideas This is what it is called when we build a thought on a thought

Flight of ideas is a expounding thoughts on thoughts like a author writing an story based on one subject and building a story from one idea embellishing the one idea into a paragraph into a chapter into a book Like rumors passed from word of mouth until it is unrecognized from what was originally said

Flight of ideas can bring about a higher high so that the manic episode can become worse until it may reach delerium which is a state of pure thought

Experiences

Experiences

Moodswings are a gift from God Although for us Satans playtoy

We can live our lives with memories like you or the delusions and hallucinations Delusions of grandeur although difficult for the layman to see are sacred to experience They are a rollercoaster neverending or appears to be that Eventually comes the crash and with it the knowledge of what it is to lose billions of dollars

You say this can not be yet there are realistic beliefs of being rich or a belief of being given the cure for all illnesses with the sacrafice of yourself Horrorific visions or beautiful angels appear and for a time there are revealing statements coming from them

The endless conversations I have had with the voices my mind has created In a lonely world pf hospitsalizations I had my friends Sometimes the only ones I knew

Hospitalizations what experiences are seen behind closed doors the restraints physical and chemical and emotional strait jackets of every kind whether for the to limit movement of your arms to the canvas sheets where only your facial expressions and voice are shown to the walls of other patients and staff

As a client there are many things that are forbidden but sometimes there are the favorites who receive gifts and encouragement for acceptable behavior Like a child Children we are with the capabilities of being what we are and can be Sane or insane

How We Are Perceived

How We Are Perceived

The empathetic ability in dealing with a mental disorder is lacking in most people Why do we Love to Hate The conviction that we are totally mad an incapable of being a person who instead of having the cognizant and comprehending the needs feelings problems and views of others

It is almost that a particular ability to be articulate can communicate and even talk to you in a civilized way So many brilliant actors singers and poets are my brothers and sisters Think perhaps that one of your ancestors was or is one of my own Would you consider them one of the rejected in society

Reflect on this and you reproches would turn to oh so proud so equal with me An insane person complex yet blessed and cursed with a diordered brain Will one of your children be a special child of God and know what it is feels like to have the Joy
That is in sitting in the right arm of Jesus

Complex disordered do you even dare to think that at one time in your life you have not felt what we feel The sadness the death of a loved one the exctasy at your childs wedding or an innocent birth The pain and rapture of natural child birth

Oh we know no matter that there is no such event we can conceive yet there is no active stimulus We can fly we can grovel in the mud yet there is no reason why we should not or is there

We wear foolscaps of compassion and discernment but often our fervor for life turns imagination clouded with the atmosphere of delusional thinking Our so wonderous minds are distorted and we are thrown into an episode

We misuse the powers of our minds conceiving ideas neglecting the soundness and balance within to the point of impairing the capacity to function normally and safely but we are human so we make mistakes Can you blame us

Depression

Depression

Today I feel a distance from everyone Again Why do I Love to Hate

Again I want to run into a mind like mine Someone who can understand whit it is like to feel the way that I do Sometimes I just want to sit down and cry
Sometimes I feel that all I can do is cry Being able to cry is something that is all that I am capable of doing Being unable to cry is a lonely feeling whicch fills up your sole existence for the time you are depressed

Hope is placed on the holding shelf I must find a way out of my occupancy in my mind I must adapt to the changes in my moodswings Thinking of this and determining a plan is complicated Myemotions govern my thoughts My thoughts are restricted and it seems nothing brought forth is in anyway like a decision Not even in the smallest way



When it lifts When you finally can weep there is such a release that you can once again feel your blood rush to you broken heart The heart is healed from all that was contained inside of you Ecletic contemplation shows some benefits although all that is required is an awarness A sensibility a sane mind to contend with the depression



But now I am writing and sharing and for the first time writing in order to share with you


Maybe a thought that was always there Wasted days and years What has brought this on A lot of encourgement from some very special people at a homeless shelter

Mania

Mania

Mania what an unusal thing Why do I love to hate it
I can not even explain it The doctors do not even know what it feels like
My mother died in 1999 shortly after my Grandmother died a few years before both my Father and my Stepgrandfather died When all of this occured I was already on disability for years due to my Bipolar disorder

I remember my mothers death a prime example of emotions reversed In all of the grief I had taken care of my mother after a cancer operation I remember clearly but will never know the reason why I experienced a severe manic episode and went on an intense employment search Twenty interviews were arranged and I managed to go to all and was told by the interviewers that I presented myself very welll and was a fine candidate for the position but as suddenly as it came I crashed into a deep depression I failed to take any positions or even follow through and call to tell them I could not take the job

I deflated like a pricked balloon

This is such a sad sad illness to cauase so much destruction to your emotional state and in this example your guilt is something you have to live with everyday I grieve still and will probably never forget but I have almost forgiven myself for something that I can never explain or understand


Please do not pity me I did the best that I could do I realize that now and I know deep in my soul that she never blamed me

I talk to her now and have learned or am trying to seek advice from her still
Small accomplishment are not easy but are always a beginning

Actually 10 yrs ago I could never had said that another accomplishment late but always will stay with me

Love to Hate

　
LOVE TO HATE
Love to hate my highs hate to love my depressions I am an unstable Bipolar A Bipolar is a mental illness called that because of the two drastic differences in moods Moods are the basic overall feelings people have but in Bipolar Mental illness it is exagerated to a point of psychotic thinking
In bipolar disorder our feelings which are governed by chemicals in the brain that control impulses through nerve endings These impules are either too rapidly or too slowly and these cause feelings of happiness and depression
These feelings can be so drastic that you can have suicidal thoughts and actions or so drastically happy to go on spending sprees and spending thousands of dollars in hours sqaundering life savings on worthless objects in minutes
The thoughts in depression come slowly your movements are slowed down sleeping more or having nightmares in some cases you sleep early in the night and wake early in the morning called early morning awakening and you cannot fall back to sleep Sometimes the desire for sweets is intensified or can be diminished to the point where there is no appetite at all causing drastic weight loss
The Mania or High can cause weight loss but this is due to the constant movement the walking just for the pleasure of moving This can be so bad that there is a huge weight loss and can result in exhaution and burn out
We love our high because of the creativity that comes with it people with Bipolar disorder are often artists musicians writers The creativity can show up in many aspects in life
The Highs bring lack of sleep sometimes for weeks to the point where hospitalization is necessary
There are medications for Bibpolar disorder that works for most of Bipolars but there are some who do not respond to medication and like theor ;oves with Moodswings which is what the Highs and Lows are called are cycles they occur at different times and intensity going from light highs called hypomania to the extreme hypermania and delerium depression to clinical depression Both of these may require hospitalization
There are some who are called Rapid Cyclers they have more than 4 episodes a year These people are rare
Moodswings can be triggered by stress Some Bipolars have only one or two cycles a year some can go for years without episodes

Love to Hate